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Thursday, January 23, 2014

Protip: Don’t Call Cops to Report Theft of Drugs You Tried to Deal, Especially When it was Part of Sword Fighting Practice



Some stories have it all: drug deals gone wrong, pepper-sprayings in cars, Taco Bell parking lots, medieval sword fighting practice, calling the cops to report that some kids stole your weed.  It’s like a mad-lib of crime.  It happened in suburban Cleveland, Ohio.  The Florida of the north.


Here’s what went down:  According to Cleveland.com,  Sebastian Wozniak and Anthony Klier met some teenagers in a Taco Bell parking lot to practice medieval sword fighting.  That’s about as lame as it gets.  Seriously.  That’s really, really lame.  Wozniak is 20, and Klier is 22, but they probably live in their mom’s basements.  They are clearly too old for this mess. Apparently before the sword-fighting practice started (maybe they were re-enacting D&D), the kids asked for some weed.  Wozniak was apparently holding, so he got in the car with the teenagers to sell the weed.

Then it got lamer.  The kids pepper sprayed Wozniak and took his weed.  Wozniak, instead of picking up what was left of his pride (if anything), and going home, actually called the cops to say that he was robbed by some punk kids.  The police showed up, but Wozniak and the other dude didn’t tell the police that the robbery and pepper spraying took place during an attempted drug deal.  The truth got out, and they got charged, but the charges were bound over to the grand jury.

The grand jury apparently thought Wozniak and Klier were too pitiful to charge with felonies, because they sent the case back to municipal court, with a reduction to a misdemeanor.

The grand jury was right to take pity on these hams.  There’s no telling what could happen to them in prison, especially since they wouldn’t have swords on the inside.

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