I
consider myself a pretty level-headed guy.
I can be hard-headed. I have been
called defensive, and got defensive about it (giving reasons for being
defensive, which I thought were justified). But, get between me and an apple
fritter and I lose my shiat. I
absolutely do. I also live about three
miles from Christy’s Donuts in Houston (non-paid endorsement), which has the
best apple fritters I’ve ever had in my life.
It takes serious self-control to stay out of Christy’s. Once I get started and eat one of their apple
fritters, all I can think about for the next week is how I deserve another
apple fritter, how I will actually swim another ten laps to burn the calories
for that apple fritter, and why I need to drive past West Gray and Montrose so
I happen to be at that stoplight and can turn there. It is also why I have never made apple
fritters at home. I am one home-made
batch of apple fritters away from a 50-inch waist and weighing four bills. I won’t start, because I don’t think I could
stop. So, yes, I think I understand
those who struggle with addiction to meth.
 |
| Contisha Hayes: Fritter Defender |
I
also understand Contisha Q. Hayes, of Akron, Ohio, who was arrested on
Christmas for stabbing her sister who started pulling her hair and generally
jacking with Contisha while Contisha was cooking up a batch of apple
fritters. YOU DO NOT MESS WITH THE WOMAN
MAKING APPLE FRITTERS. There, I said it
loud. It may be a little over the top.
For the prosecutors and defense attorneys of Houston, if there is ever a jury
trial of anyone involved in a case involving Christy’s Donuts or any
fritter-related incident of any sort, here is your warning that I may not be
the most unbiased juror. Because, I understand
the deeper meaning when the police report says that Contisha’s sister started
to “play fight” and pull her hair while she was frying up a batch of what was
probably lightly cinnamoned, apple infused dough which was probably just about
ready to be taken off at the perfect time for glazing. Making fritters is not an easy task Too short in the fryer and they are doughy
and ruined. Too long and the outside
gets burned and they are hard. Then they
need to be glazed while still hot so that the glaze can settle and not get too
thick and so hot that the glaze all melts off either. It is a delicate art
which should not be messed with by “play fighting.”
So,
while I don’t condone it, I understand it when I read in the Beacon Journal, that
Contisha “pulled out a knife and stabbed her sister Tamara D. Delaney, 21, in
the chest.” The chest-stabbing is the
quickest way to stop the hair-pulling, “play fighting,” fritter-messing up,
general jackassery that can ruin Christmas.
Like a sibling chest-stabbing and night spent in jail could
theoretically ruin Christmas. Continsha, in the mug shot, doesn’t look like
Christmas was ruined, though. She looks
like a woman who did what she had to do. She looks like a woman who isn’t going
to get her hair pulled the next time she’s making fritters.
Full
story and picture credit: Akron Beacon Journal
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