Devil swine among us: With God as My Witness, I Thought Pigs Could Fly

So said the Department of Transportation, that released guidelines in service animals and noted that pigs are preferred service animals to people who are allergic to dogs.  They noted that pigs are “intelligent animals and attuned to dangerous situations. Along with monkeys and miniature horses, they can be designated for “emotional support.”

Pig temporarily on a plane

First, let’s get this straight: As the DOT noted, "pigs are intelligent animals attuned to dangerous situations;" such as taking a pig on a plane.  Pigs cannot fly, just asturkeys cannot fly (YOUTube video). Pigs know this.  They don’t want to fly.  They want beer. 

And when pigs are aware of dangerous situations (or situations without an appropriate amount of beer for them) they go berserk.

That’s what happened over the weekend on a US Airways flight.  (Full coverage here).   I have a general rule never to fly US Airways.  Because I generally like to get where I’m going and not spend a 14-hour layover in Charlotte, where they have nice rocking chairs so you can wait for damn near a day when your US Airways flight is delayed.  (Before US Airways sues me for defamation, we can discuss the whole damn day I spent in Charlotte the last time I tried to fly US Airways) trying to return to Houston, after a flight to Charlotte when the flight attendant started an argument with me (that I tried to avoid.  Oh, I tried to avoid it) over the merits of their last bankruptcy.  Or you can hang out in Philadelphia while US Airways employees hold a wildcat strike on the holidays (old news clip of just that).

Maybe US Airways was trying to up its customer service now that it merged with American to form the Voltron of airline suck.  The way they did it is pure US Airways hilarity. 

They let an 80-pound pig through security and on the plane.  Then, when the pig realized someone was trying to make it fly, and was not going to give it beer from the cart, the pig went berserk. It pooped in the aisle and started to run up and down the aisle. The pig owner who didn’t bring a can of Natty Light for it, was then tossed off the plane with the pig to drown her sorrows in the airport bar.

Seriously, that happened this weekend.  There is amateur video from the flight from passengers who saw this as the last insult (narrow seats that fit no one over 100 pounds comfortably, aisles shoved so close together that if you are over five-feet tall, your knees are in your face.

So, where was this 80-pound emotional support pig supposed to go?  Did the passenger buy it an extra ticket, or was it supposed to hang out in the aisle?  That seems like a trip hazard.  Perhaps this wasn’t thought out by US Airways or the Department of Transportation.

This is the latest intrusion of pigs into our domestic lives. First they steal our beer in the wild. 

Then they invade our neighborhoods.  Then they move into our homes, well not mine, (and not in the form of delicious bacon).  Now, they are on planes.

God help us when the monkeys get on a flight.  They can fly.  And when they do, they’re mean. (Wizard of Oz). 

Florida robbers demand money, pants. Dang.

An armed robbery gang in Broward County, Florida has pulled off a series of daring raids. And they have pulled off more than their fair share of pants, too. 

Robber, taking pants

The robbers hit a convenience store last week, and inconvenienced the patrons and store clerk by not only taking the money in the till, but by making their victims remove their pants.  I guess it was so the victims wouldn’t give chase.  But, if a guy has a gun and a mask, my not having pants is not going to keep me from defending myself, if that is how I want to go. If I’m lying there in the back of the store, and am the clerk of a store with a no-counter-measure policy (which is very common due to insurance rules), then I’m not going to go all gung-ho.  If I make minimum wage, I’m definitely not going gung-ho.  If’ I’m making minimum wage, I need my pants.  Because that’s just wrong and insulting.  If I’m at the store and it gets robbed, you can take what you want.  You can take my wallet because I’m cancelling my credit cards about ten minutes after you leave. But a good, well-fitting pair of pants is hard to come by.  And going home in your drawers is just not cool. Especially in Broward County.

The robbery gang also hit up a restaurant, and other stores.  They are either collecting pants, or are giving themselves more trouble. Because now they have an M.O.  If they hadn’t taken the pants, it would just be another day in South Florida, another robbery.  And, they might not have been pursued too hard.  Now, if they get caught taking pants, or are caught with money and pants, they’ll be linked to all the other pants robberies.  This is a new form of stupid.  It’s a Florida form of stupid  They have previously gotten away with dozens of robberies.  If they hadn’t given themselves a calling-card, they wouldn’t likely be linked to those crimes.

So protip to all you aspiring armed robbers: don’t create a calling card M.O.  Just rob the place.  You may think you’re instilling fear and shame in the victims, but you’re also setting yourself up to get convicted of all the other robberies.

Story link and photo credit, Local 10 news, Florida.

Florida Taco Bell Drunk: the fever for fourth-meal strikes again

A little more than a year ago, we introduced you, loyal readers to the new stage of drunk. At the time, we posited that there was slightly buzzed. Then a little tipsy. Then slurring.  Then everyone is your friend. Then everyone is your enemy. Then there is sloppy drunk and surly drunk.  These are the standard stages of drunk. If there are a group of men and there is beer for the drunk fuel, there is marching drunk. But last year, we introduced you to perhaps the last stage, which was “Taco Drunk.” Then a Florida man tried to use a Taco Bell taco as ID.  (see original, glorious coverage).  

Deprived of Fourth-Meal; Sad

We were then warned of Texas Samurai Sword Taco Drunk, when a man in San Antonio used a sword to try to heist some delicious tacos. (see here)  

 

Now, Florida has taken back the mantle and a man, presumed to be drunk due to his mugshot and the surrounding circumstances – though it’s actually speculation, though circumstantial evidence and mugshot above gives some potential credence to the speculation – got arrested for trying to order a Taco Bell Taco on a bicycle, and then fought the police with a Swiss Army knife.  Predictably, the police won.  Just as predictably, the mugshot is internet gold. I am positing that he was in-fact Florida Taco drunk and wanted a Doritos Locos, because you have to be loco to take fourth meal that seriously. 

Or perhaps he didn’t have a bike lock and thought someone would heist his bike (this is central Florida) and really, really wanted fourth-meal goodness and thought “fark it” drive-thru means ride-through.  No, sir, it doesn’t. Not in Florida it doesn’t.  Not to the Man. And not to the taco-selling man.  You lock your bike, or you take the risk, or you face a drive-thru beat-down when you grab the cop’s wrist when he attempts to disarm you of your three-inch blade (and multitude of screwdrivers). 

So, loyal readers, here is the latest episode of Taco Drunk.  Don’t make fourth-meal become fifth through fifteenth meal in the county jail. Taco Bell has learned.  Taco Bell doesn’t play.  Taco Bell is not loco.

Story and glorious mugshotcourtesy of Wesh.com (Orlando).