Most South Florida Guy Ever – Alligator Whisperer Arrested

The man we have crowned the “Most South Florida Guy Ever” – a distinguished title if there ever was one, is named Hal Kreitman. A few weeks ago, the greatest news source on the planet, the Miami New Times  (seriously, read it, it’s awesome) noted that his backstory is certified only-in-South Florida. “He's a bodybuilder who was once crowned Mr. Miami, a sometime Z-movie actor, a sex fetish party habitué, an ex-Lincoln Road chiropractor, and, most recent, a felon facing eight years in federal prison for his part in an insurance fraud scheme. (He's appealing.) Now he has a new role: alligator whisperer.” 

Mesmerizing a gator with his strong, strong hair

That is a strong resume.  It goes along with his strong hair.  And whisper to gators he did. He also filmed it and put his Everglades gator-whispering forays on Youtube, showing off his gator whispering with his strong hair.  But, there’s tons of crazy stuff on Youtube, so that by itself may not have been that big a deal to the State of Florida. His Youtube videos have been up for months. Seriously, this is a state that deals with more than it’s fair share of craziness. This blog alone has dozens of stories reflecting how diverse the crazy is down there.

What apparently was a big deal to those who run the State of Florida (aside from Krietman being profiled in the Miami New Times breaking laws regarding harassing wild animals and making Florida look crazier than ever) is that Krietman  started charging tourists for forays into the Everglades to watch him swim with the gators and pet them.  Krietman also apparently put the tourists in the water with the Gators. It’s one thing to have your own set of crazy.  It’s another thing to bring people who visit Florida from the outside and put them in a swamp with gators. That is apparently reserved for Louisiana through an interstate compact.  So, now Hal Krietman has another criminal charge to deal with. 

Yahoo news reports that he was arrested, and posted a $2500 bond.  He’s already under indictment for insurance fraud.  This won’t likely help with that.  They don’t seem related on first blush, but if you are crazy enough to swim with gators, charge people for it without a license, and post the crimes on Youtube, then get profiled by the greatest news source on the whole damn planet, you also might have been crazy enough to get in an insurance scam.  Or you might be so stupid that you can plead an ignorance defense.  Although we all know that ignorance of the law is not a defense for breaking the law, and stupid as stupid does, some things are insane. He could work an insanity defense.  Or, he could just work a dumb-ass defense.

So, when Krietman posted videos of him “seducing” bull gators, he was likely unaware that such seduction is frowned upon in Florida.  Cougar seducing is o.k., provided it’s the right kind of cougar. But, interacting with protected species in the wild is not cool. You teach the gators not to be fearful of humans and greatly increase the chances of the gators attacking the next guy who gets near the water, particularly when he isn’t a muscle-bound chiropractor and sex-party habitue.  The “protected” gators are going to be killed by the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission. If this all seems somewhat counter-intuitive (“protected species” being killed by the State because an ex-chiropractor swims with them), remember it’s South Florida, where people pay to swim with gators in the wild.  Had Krietman been more enterprising, he could have gotten some non-wild gators and opened a gator park, for which South Florida was once well-known.  But he didn’t. He wanted something more authentic.  So, know he has to stand tall before the man and try judge-whispering. It may not be as easy as gator whispering.

And, now that Krietman’s got a lot more free time, and can’t swim with the gators, maybe the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission ought to see if he can help tackle their python problem. He whispers to gators, perhaps he can wrestle pythons.  Or, he can find a more useful hobby.

Photo: Sky News