Bears so common in Florida they are a traffic hazard

The bear problem in central Florida has gotten so bad that three bears were hit by cars in a 24-hourperiod. That’s likely more bears than Miami Hurricane fans.  Because, well, Miami isn’t that good this year. And bears have gotten out of hand in Central Florida.  They have come for our beer.  And now Floridians are either so inept that they can’t see a bear from their car, 

 or are defending their beer. 

Bear down!

We reported earlier about Bears in backyards, bears in swimming pools, and bears at birthday parties.  Florida is a relatively big state, so one might think the stories came from different parts of the state. They did not.  They all originate on the outskirts of Orlando in central Florida.  Someone decided it’d be awesome to build neighborhoods right on the edge of a bear sanctuary. 

There are many animals I have come across on the road at dusk: deer, hawks, armadillos. Hell, I lived in Arkansas and Missouri so have hit two squirrels falling out of trees, two hawks (in different states) in mid-flight, and wiped out a chicken crossing the road. I’m not proud of that vehicular carnage, and it took more than its fair toll on my little green truck back then.  But, I was in Arkansas, Mississippi and Missouri, and I never hit a bear.  I never came across a bear in eastern Arkansas or Northwest Mississippi because I had the sense not to drive near where bears are. And I have the sense not to build a house near where bears are. Especially if it’s not a hunting cabin.

But Florida is a crowded place, especially Central Florida and they needed room for houses. And, apparently someone thought that the bears would stay in their sanctuary instead of doing exactly what those episodes of Yogi Bear taught us they would. They will come after our picnic baskets, lounge in our pools, and if given the chance, drink our beer.  And Floridians are so insane, they chase the bears on foot. 

According to WESH.com, there is even a “bear hour” in central Florida that coincides with dusk, and this time of year (the wandering time for bears), rush hour for humans.  

Perhaps they need a feral hog invasion to occupy the bears.  At least the hogs don’t get into traffic that often, even if they get into our beer. 

Devil swine among us: With God as My Witness, I Thought Pigs Could Fly

So said the Department of Transportation, that released guidelines in service animals and noted that pigs are preferred service animals to people who are allergic to dogs.  They noted that pigs are “intelligent animals and attuned to dangerous situations. Along with monkeys and miniature horses, they can be designated for “emotional support.”

Pig temporarily on a plane

First, let’s get this straight: As the DOT noted, "pigs are intelligent animals attuned to dangerous situations;" such as taking a pig on a plane.  Pigs cannot fly, just asturkeys cannot fly (YOUTube video). Pigs know this.  They don’t want to fly.  They want beer. 

And when pigs are aware of dangerous situations (or situations without an appropriate amount of beer for them) they go berserk.

That’s what happened over the weekend on a US Airways flight.  (Full coverage here).   I have a general rule never to fly US Airways.  Because I generally like to get where I’m going and not spend a 14-hour layover in Charlotte, where they have nice rocking chairs so you can wait for damn near a day when your US Airways flight is delayed.  (Before US Airways sues me for defamation, we can discuss the whole damn day I spent in Charlotte the last time I tried to fly US Airways) trying to return to Houston, after a flight to Charlotte when the flight attendant started an argument with me (that I tried to avoid.  Oh, I tried to avoid it) over the merits of their last bankruptcy.  Or you can hang out in Philadelphia while US Airways employees hold a wildcat strike on the holidays (old news clip of just that).

Maybe US Airways was trying to up its customer service now that it merged with American to form the Voltron of airline suck.  The way they did it is pure US Airways hilarity. 

They let an 80-pound pig through security and on the plane.  Then, when the pig realized someone was trying to make it fly, and was not going to give it beer from the cart, the pig went berserk. It pooped in the aisle and started to run up and down the aisle. The pig owner who didn’t bring a can of Natty Light for it, was then tossed off the plane with the pig to drown her sorrows in the airport bar.

Seriously, that happened this weekend.  There is amateur video from the flight from passengers who saw this as the last insult (narrow seats that fit no one over 100 pounds comfortably, aisles shoved so close together that if you are over five-feet tall, your knees are in your face.

So, where was this 80-pound emotional support pig supposed to go?  Did the passenger buy it an extra ticket, or was it supposed to hang out in the aisle?  That seems like a trip hazard.  Perhaps this wasn’t thought out by US Airways or the Department of Transportation.

This is the latest intrusion of pigs into our domestic lives. First they steal our beer in the wild. 

Then they invade our neighborhoods.  Then they move into our homes, well not mine, (and not in the form of delicious bacon).  Now, they are on planes.

God help us when the monkeys get on a flight.  They can fly.  And when they do, they’re mean. (Wizard of Oz). 

Florida robbers demand money, pants. Dang.

An armed robbery gang in Broward County, Florida has pulled off a series of daring raids. And they have pulled off more than their fair share of pants, too. 

Robber, taking pants

The robbers hit a convenience store last week, and inconvenienced the patrons and store clerk by not only taking the money in the till, but by making their victims remove their pants.  I guess it was so the victims wouldn’t give chase.  But, if a guy has a gun and a mask, my not having pants is not going to keep me from defending myself, if that is how I want to go. If I’m lying there in the back of the store, and am the clerk of a store with a no-counter-measure policy (which is very common due to insurance rules), then I’m not going to go all gung-ho.  If I make minimum wage, I’m definitely not going gung-ho.  If’ I’m making minimum wage, I need my pants.  Because that’s just wrong and insulting.  If I’m at the store and it gets robbed, you can take what you want.  You can take my wallet because I’m cancelling my credit cards about ten minutes after you leave. But a good, well-fitting pair of pants is hard to come by.  And going home in your drawers is just not cool. Especially in Broward County.

The robbery gang also hit up a restaurant, and other stores.  They are either collecting pants, or are giving themselves more trouble. Because now they have an M.O.  If they hadn’t taken the pants, it would just be another day in South Florida, another robbery.  And, they might not have been pursued too hard.  Now, if they get caught taking pants, or are caught with money and pants, they’ll be linked to all the other pants robberies.  This is a new form of stupid.  It’s a Florida form of stupid  They have previously gotten away with dozens of robberies.  If they hadn’t given themselves a calling-card, they wouldn’t likely be linked to those crimes.

So protip to all you aspiring armed robbers: don’t create a calling card M.O.  Just rob the place.  You may think you’re instilling fear and shame in the victims, but you’re also setting yourself up to get convicted of all the other robberies.

Story link and photo credit, Local 10 news, Florida.