PSA: It Has Been Confirmed - Kitty Therapy Doesn’t Work – 22 pound cat at the shelter

Last week brought news of a pitiful couple in Portland, Oregon who had a 22-pound Himalayan “housecat.”  Or, rather, the 22-pound Himilayan had them.  Then the people decided to breed without the cat’s permission and the cat took umbrage.  The cat took greater umbrage when the little human came in the house and grabbed its tail.  The cat’s earlier attempts to mock the little human with sideways glances and general disdain apparently didn’t work.  Then the cat scratched, as they will sometimes do, and then it got kicked in the butt, as they sometimes will when they scratch babies.

Doing hard time, facing the chair

Then the cat took serious umbrage and trapped the family in the bedroom and they called 911. 

They said all the wrong things, thinking they were saying the right things: “it’s part of our family.” Yada, yada, yada.  Then they said it was going to kitty therapy.

Forward less than a week. 

The cat is at the shelter.  That was quick.  Apparently one of a couple of different things happened: (1) Kitty therapy happened and was an unmitigated failure – as is normal in kitty therapy; (2) the family was mocked so mercilessly on the internet that they decided to forego kitty therapy; or (3) the parents finally got some sleep – which may not have happened for months, mind you - and realized how insane it all sounded. 

So, the 22-pound cat is at the shelter in Portland.  If anyone wants a 22-pound cat with an obvious attitude problem and lack of domestication, head to Portland.  Or, going back to my original suggestion, they could just let this undersized bobcat out in Yellowstone where it would probably do just fine and be happier anyway.

Bank Robber Flees to Doughnut Shop, Caught Immediately, Ridiculed Mercilessly

In our ongoing coverage of criminals who are making things too easy for the police - also known as worst episodes of CSI ever - a bank robber in Seattle fled his heist and ran to the least awesome place anyone could think of for a getaway: a local doughnut shop.  Seriously.  Here’s the quote from KOMO news:

 

Good for breakfast, not as a safe-house

According to the Seattle Police Department, a man wearing a red bandanna robbed the Wells Fargo bank in the 400 block of Broadway Avenue East around 9:40 a.m. Witnesses told arriving officers the suspect walked off following the robbery.

The suspect reportedly tried to hide in a nearby Top Pot Doughnuts, where he asked employees -- who thought he was acting odd -- to order him a cab.

That must have been the shortest 911 call ever.  Must have gone something like this:

Caller: “We have a guy who robbed the Wells Fargo over at the Capitol Doughnut Shop.”

Dispatch: “Aren’t Carl and Ed already there?”

Caller: “Nope. They get here at 10 most days.”

Dispatch: “I’ll tell them to speed up.”

I have nothing against the police. I love the police.  I love donuts. Doughnut shops and police make a perfect symbiotic relationship.  Doughnut shops operate on high-volume, low cost. They take lots of small orders for cash.  Therefore they have lots of cash at peak times of the day.  Criminals know this.  So, they want police to come by and hang out. Most give free coffee or a serious discount to police who stop by and will throw in a fritter.  If they are one of the genius outfits that combine donuts and burgers (genius), then you have a reason to be there all day if you are a man in blue.  Police, who as part of their job have to have a presence in the community, need to stop from time to time to get coffee, a snack and use the bathroom.  The doughnut (and burger) shop satisfies all three.  The shop gets a police presence.  Police get a break spot.  Criminals ought to know to stay away. 

The Seattle Dillinger didn’t know this, or I would hazard a guess, was high. Because, aside from serious cognitive difficulties, the only thing that would make a bank robber run into a doughnut shop would be weed.  How is he going to explain this in jail to the guys in the yard?   Nobody dropped a dime on him.  The Man didn't bring him down. He fled into the second worst place you could flee from a robbery short of just running straight to the police station.  Maybe he wanted to get caught. Maybe someone was coming after him for something else.  All these things could be it, or it could be weed.

So, this week’s installment of shortest episode of CSI comes from Seattle.  Perhaps the robber’s attorney will argue cognitive difficulties.  If I were on the jury, I’d probably buy it.

Alabama Men Go to Florida, Cannonball on Manatee, Go to Jail

In a situation where the dumbassery goes exponential, Florida Today reports that two Alabama men came to Florida and ran across Manatees, and decided to cannonball on top of a mama Manatee and her calf.  What would make someone cannonball on top of a peaceful, docile Manatee and her baby calf? Alabama dumbassery combined with Florida.  The Alabama dumbasses decided to video their completely illegal dumbassery and post it on Facebook.  I’m only shocked they didn’t yell “Roll Tide” as they were breaking Federal Endangered Species law or throw a shout-out to Nick Saban in the process.  Maybe they were Auburn fans since Auburn won the National Title this year.  They won’t be Auburn Fans next year. They’ll still be dumbasses.

Beware of Alabamans

One of them, Stephenson, actually lured the Manatee toward a dock with a hose, while his bigger dumbass buddy, Martin, jumped off the dock and landed on the Manatee and her calf.  It was apparently so funny they tried to lure the Manatee back with the hose to do it again.  Because if there’s one thing that an dumbass will like better than violating Federal Endangered Species law while filming it for Facebook, it’s doing it twice.

After posting the video on Facebook, they drew some criticism, to which Martin responded:, “hahaha…in my debue [sic] as tayla the manatee slaya…im f---- ready to cannonball on every manatee living yewwww.”  He did not add “Roll Tide.” He probably regrets that now. 

He probably doesn’t regret jumping on the Manatee, because he’s now on the news and jail is not that bad for someone who is as big a dumbass as Martin or Stephenson.  They get three meals a day, get to lift weights and get to hang out and talk about how Nick Saban used to be the best coach in the history of football until he lost two games in a row, and should now be fired and Bear Bryant’s corpse resurrected to coach again.  They could talk about that all day, every day.  If they get to spend time in a prison outside Alabama, they then get to spend all year telling everyone how awesome Nick Saban was.  In short, prison should be awesome for them.  Florida should be better for them not coming back.

I get some grief for writing lots of posts about Florida and the crazy stuff that happens there.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with the State.  I think it has lovely beaches and very nice people (mixed in with the minority that chase bears).  A lot of my friends live there and I love Miami and Sanibel Island. Crazy people move there, get raised there, and visit there.  It is like this magnet for crazy and good tobacco.  In this case, Florida imported the crazy from Alabama, and sent some of it back home.