In a move highly reminiscent of
the Australian feral hog who busted into campsites, found beer, and drank
himself into a surly stupor before tearing sh*t up and then passing out, bears seem to have taken note. Perhaps this was the next logical step we have
been warning about for months, when bears in Florida started breaking into
houses, chilling in people’s pools in Florida, and crashing children’s birthday parties. We said that they were next coming for our
beer. We were proved right.
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| Discriminating Beer Thieves |
NBC News reports that Fish and Wildlife agents recently found a
black bear passed out n the lawn of Baker Lake Resort in Washington State next
to dozens of empty cans of Rainier Beer.
He had broken into coolers and extracted the Rainier beer, opened it
with his teeth and claws and drank the beer until he passed out. Interestingly,
he showed taste and left the campers’ Busch beer. He tried one can of Busch and left the rest,
drinking 36 cans of Rainier. So, bears in Washington are at least not
Hipsters. No, the bears do not possess
irony. They possess beer. Our beer.
Parents and grandchildren of
America, take note. Disney has just
released a new documentary (ne Mockumentary) about Bears in Alaska who go
through the wild, get in fights with coyotes and finally get to the fertile
Salmon feeding grounds and catch fish in mid-air. My niece found this film to be less than
glorious due to the gory nature of the fish mauling. Perhaps, and I hope, she also found it less
than glorious because deep down inside, she knew it as full of falseness. If there had been beer, the bears would have
stopped and drunken themselves into a stupor before they ever got to the coast.
Floridians in the greater Orlando
area, take note. Your bears have shown
an utter lack of regard for our laws or personal property. They may learn from their drunken Washington
bretheren. They may invade your
coolers. The only thing that will save
you is a locked metal cooler, or Busch Beer.
Being Florida, you will have plenty of access to Busch. After the first three they start to taste a little better.
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