McDonalds Refreshes Ronald, Scares Rest of Us

McDonalds is in the frying pan.  It is playing with fire.  Last Tuesday, the company, which said profit in the first quarter of the year tanked 5% while sales at stores open at least a year slid 1.7% has decided to do something about it.  Apparently, introducing a really, really tasty new burger and chicken sandwich (see the Bacon Clubhouse Burger) was frowned upon by the marketing department who decided not to promote fresh ingredients, new sauces, awesome tastes.  No, apparently the marketing people thought the way to go was to reintroduce, change-up, and thrust forward on the company’s social media platforms a scary ass clown. 

 

New Ronald McDonald with added coulrophobia

The LA Times reports that Ronald McDonald is losing the fluffy sleeves and floppy pants for something more modern.  He’s getting mustard cargo pants and a red and white rugby shirt (something more realistic). He’s keeping the huge red wig, white face paint, oversized shoes and gloves. In other words, he’s still looking like a scary ass clown, but a more realistic clown, which is scarier still.

The LA Time asks the right questions: “Is he still creepy? Just ask yourself if you’d let him date your daughter.”  Answers: Hell yes, and hell no.

I would like my premium coffee and McGriddle without a side of coulrophobia.

Apparently, “Later in 2014, McDonald’s will send its spruced-up clown onto the tube in its own advertisements in the U.S. Within the next few years, new and remodeled restaurants will be able to incorporate the character into in-store graphics, furniture and décor.”

Awesome, later in 2014, I’ll turn off the TV and then in a few years, you’ll have people leaving your restaurants.  McDonalds restaurants are apparently not watching the news about clowns. People don’t like them. Professional clown numbers are going down.  The news about clowns is all bad.  (see prior coverage here)  

Yet, McDonalds is putting up front an image that people associate with serial killers and hit clowns (see here)  

Shrewd, very shrewd.  Your move Taco Bell.  Not a hard move to beat.  Just don’t dress that Chihuahua up in a clown suit.

Bears Among Us: Florida Bear Beer Defense Goes Wrong

Oh Florida, how you slay us.  How you make Texas and even Oklahoma look like a bastion of civility and normality. 

Bear scouting for beer, not Busch, though.

Florida has a well-known problem with bears invading urban areas. Bears in Florida started breaking into houses, chilling in people’s pools in Orlando, and crashing children’s birthday parties. 

Recently the stakes were raised when a bear in Washington State discovered beer, broke into a campsite and tore through a cooler, drinking 36 cans of Rainier Beer and trying one can of Busch, leaving the rest.  Florida, bears to the north have started taking the good beer.  They must be stopped before all you are left with is Busch, and perhaps Natty Light.

Sky News reports that last week, a huge black bear was spotted in a tree above someone’s house, likely scouting out their beer holdings before going all Shakes-The-Bear.  The police finally acted and came to tranquilize the bear. They brought a tarp to catch it on the way out of the tree.

This is Florida, though, so the tarp wasn’t strong enough and the bear tore right through.  Video is in the link. The bear didn’t wake up, which was good news for the police below at the time. Consider this, though.  Now, instead of introducing them to beer, you have introduced them to powerful sedatives.  Florida, your bears are about to invade the State’s well-documented supply of Oxy and Hydrocodone.  Pain clinics beware.

Drunken Bears Among Us: Bears follow feral hogs, steal our beer, pass out

In a move highly reminiscent of the Australian feral hog who busted into campsites, found beer, and drank himself into a surly stupor before tearing sh*t up and then passing out,  bears seem to have taken note.  Perhaps this was the next logical step we have been warning about for months, when bears in Florida started breaking into houses, chilling in people’s pools in Florida,  and crashing children’s birthday parties.  We said that they were next coming for our beer.  We were proved right.

Discriminating Beer Thieves

NBC News reports that Fish and Wildlife agents recently found a black bear passed out n the lawn of Baker Lake Resort in Washington State next to dozens of empty cans of Rainier Beer.  He had broken into coolers and extracted the Rainier beer, opened it with his teeth and claws and drank the beer until he passed out. Interestingly, he showed taste and left the campers’ Busch beer.  He tried one can of Busch and left the rest, drinking 36 cans of Rainier. So, bears in Washington are at least not Hipsters.  No, the bears do not possess irony. They possess beer.  Our beer.

Parents and grandchildren of America, take note.  Disney has just released a new documentary (ne Mockumentary) about Bears in Alaska who go through the wild, get in fights with coyotes and finally get to the fertile Salmon feeding grounds and catch fish in mid-air.  My niece found this film to be less than glorious due to the gory nature of the fish mauling.  Perhaps, and I hope, she also found it less than glorious because deep down inside, she knew it as full of falseness.  If there had been beer, the bears would have stopped and drunken themselves into a stupor before they ever got to the coast. 

Floridians in the greater Orlando area, take note.  Your bears have shown an utter lack of regard for our laws or personal property.  They may learn from their drunken Washington bretheren.  They may invade your coolers.  The only thing that will save you is a locked metal cooler, or Busch Beer.  Being Florida, you will have plenty of access to Busch.  After the first three they start to taste a little better.