My wife, who I love dearly,
sometimes asks me silly questions. She
has a legitimate masters degree (not from a rodeo college or an online
directional school – eastern this, southern that) and a bachelor’s degree from
Arizona, which still counts. She has
asked me on repeated occasions why I would want to punch a clown in the
head. We’re not talking about Ronald
McDonald at a kid’s birthday party, at an actual McDonald’s location – though the
new iteration might cause a spontaneous assault. Look at him.
He needs to be punched.
 |
| New, creepy Ronald |
No, we’re talking about someone
still dressed as Ronald McDonald, alone in a bar after whatever he was doing,
staring at people quietly over a brew. This actually happened not so long ago
in Midtown Houston, and Houstonians – ever fonts of wisdom and discretion – did
not actually punch him. I was not there,
obviously. Because there would have been
a punch in the head.
 |
| Actual clown - probably has an axe |
I’m also sort of not talking
about circus clowns, because while they are generally just doing a job, it’s a
particularly crazy job. No, my wife was
not raised just outside Chicago in the 80’s and apparently liked the Stephen
King book, “It” and found it to be exquisite fiction. Those around me found it way, way too close
to reality.
When I have chronicled the escapades
of the terror clowns of England, then their copycats on Staten Island
and then continental Europe, and God help us, cartel hit-clowns, wife has thought me peculiar, especially
when she asked what I would do if there was a clown standing on our street with
a balloon at night staring at the house.
He would have been punched.
 |
| He will bite a clown in the balls |
She is a religious woman and
asked, “What would Jesus do in such a situation?” Jesus would exorcise the demons from the clown,
and then his best buddy, the unmentioned apostle Biff, would have probably punched the clown in the head
just to make sure.
Which brings us back to the news
of the week: there is a warrant out for the arrest of an axe-wielding clown in North Carolina.
Seriously, there is an APB for chuckles the clown. Chuckles, we’ll call this joker, came up to a
woman’s home at four in the morning wearing a clown mask and a multi-colored wig. He also came with an axe and when she opened
the door, he swung at her. Chuckles
apparently missed and the woman snatched the clown mask off him and knew him as
an acquaintance and called the 5-0 who put out an APB. The shocking thing about this story is not
that a clown was swinging an axe at four in the morning. The shocking thing is
that this didn’t happen in Florida.
So, this leads to a couple of
pro-tips: first, ladies, if there is a clown outside your home at four in the
morning, don’t open the door to dodge the axe.
Second; if you see a clown outside your door at four in the morning,
assume he has an axe. And, if you aren’t
prepared to punch him in the head, make sure you abide by the third protip: get
a dog. Preferably one who will bite the clown in the balls.
Yes, ladies, there are such dogs, and you
need one. There are for bad boyfriends and terror clowns. I bet this one was one in the same.
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