A cobra
is on the loose. Seriously, a cobra. Not
Cobra, from GI Joe. Not some fake kung-fu jokers from the Cobra Kai
who would have allegedly “owned the Karate Kid’s broke ass with few, if any hits.” Urban Dictionary, you’re wrong here.
We watched those broke-ass Cobra Kai fools get schooled by Mr. Miyagi,
then eat a crane kick to the grill. (It’s worth watching again). No, we’re talking about a real king
cobra. Mother f**king snakes in a mother
f**cking neighborhood.
 |
| this is not a pet, for real |
This
latest renegade cobra is, not surprisingly, in Florida. A place so friendly to snakes that they are allowed to surf. A place so friendly to snakes that
they have multiplied and are fighting the alligators. This ain’t no Burmese
Python taking up residence in the Everglades.
This is a king freaking cobra tooling around Orlando, where, honestly,
there are plenty of other tools on the loose, but this one is a cobra.
An
eight foot long yellow and green cobra, which got loose. Lest you worry about the state of government
affairs in central Florida, this one had a permit. Or rather, its owner had a valid permit to
keep the cobra as a “pet” and “officials say the owner is an experienced snake
handler.” You read that right, Florida
has decided that eight-foot venomous snakes are pets. And this tool was experienced at handling
snakes. Of course, this happened near an
elementary school.
Let’s
let that sink in. Then let’s ask a few
questions for our friends in Florida:
1. What the hell
else is considered a pet in Florida?
2. What kind of a
tool becomes an experienced snake handler?
3. Why isn’t there
some sort of experienced snake handler registry, much the same as a sex
offender registry so we could at least know who among us – well, who among
Floridians – lives next to a freaking cobra?
4. Why are cobras –
permitted pets or not – allowed to be handled near elementary schools?
If
there is a snake handler registry, and I lived near a cobra, I can assure you
that I would line my yard with diesel fuel to keep the snakes out, and line
this snake handler’s yard with diesel and keep a lighter handy if the snake got
outside.
To
be fair, this is not just a Florida problem.
Yes, even in my fair, genteel, cosmopolitan city of Houston, some tool
let a cobra out into the hallway of a downtown apartment building. . Yes, to my great shame, Houston had this
happen before Florida.
As
far as I know, there is no pet permit for king cobras in Houston. You can apparently get a pet permit in Texas for venomous snakes, but not keep them in Houston.
Our fair legislature may need to address this. As for the Houston cobra, animal
control put the snake down. Animal
control actually said this: "I made the decision to go ahead and
euthanize the snake. It is unfortunate for the snake and it's not something
that we wanted to do. But I felt the need that it needed to be done," said
Moss.
Moss, there is nothing
unfortunate about killing a cobra that is wandering the halls of a downtown
loft. This comment come back to the
earlier thesis, what kind of tool thinks that keeping a cobra as a pet is
cool. You can’t throw it a ball. You can’t walk it. You can’t pet it, and if you do, you deserve
what you get.
If all for live and let live, but
not as it comes to cobras, or frankly, other venomous snakes.
What may have actually happened
here is that Florida decided that Texas couldn’t get a leg up on all the crazy
and it had to step, or slither, in.
So, let ‘s get back to the main
points: (1) there is no way that the Cobra Kai were going to own the Karate Kid’s
ass, they had their chance and took a crane kick to the grill; (2) there is no
reason to keep a cobra as a pet; (3) there needs to be a cobra-owner registry;
and (4) Florida will take on anybody else’s crazy and kick it’s ass like a crane kick to the grill.
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