Arkansas Police Reports are Descriptive: Woman “Tripping Balls” Streaks Naked Down Street

Police reports serve a useful purpose.  They inform the prosecutor of the conduct that is to be charged.  They inform the judge and defendant (and occasionally the grand jury) of what the police said happened, so that the defendant can know, exactly, what they have to deny. They let the defense know if the complained of conduct fits the elements of the criminal code. 

Melissa Valencia, after coming down

Most police reports are pretty stodgy affairs that read like recipes for cornbread.  However, occasionally there comes along an officer more prone to Jack Kerouac-like prose who clearly is in the wrong profession.  Who was either led astray as a young man, or has a crime novel in him somewhere.  Someone who is destined to become the next James Ellroy with tight, clipped prose who can describe an entire scene in a few words that his junior high teacher probably described as a fragment, but that the world now knows is a sentence, a fully formed thought – damn the subject, verb, article constraints.

Fayetteville, Arkansas has just such an officer who was likely waiting for some time to get his chance to shine.  Or Fayetteville is just that kind of town where this kind of thing happens all the time and a police officer who is moonlighting in the creative writing program at the University of Arkansas (or moonlighting on the police force) happens to write an epic report. 

Melissa Valencia, 21, provided the police an opportunity for some Ellroy-esque prose in their police report when she was reported to be intoxicated, naked and thrashing around a parking lot.  Police tried to pin her down as she hid behind a pole, unsuccessfully because she’s bigger than a pole. And, because she was naked and frankly pretty cute. 

Then there are police dash-cams which protect officers from civil rights lawsuits, and some would say save the public from police misconduct by making sure that all arrests are videotaped. They also successfully tape naked suspects running across parking lots while police chase them trying to pin them down.

When it was all over and the officer had to sum up the experience on paper because you can’t just present the dash-cam to the grand jury (you do, but you also have to present a report for a charging instrument), the officer correctly noted that she was “tripping balls.”

Yep, that about sums it up: Valencia was tripping balls. Cause plus effect neatly stated. Though, unfortunately for her, not a defense, as temporary insanity due to voluntarily taking an intoxicant is not a legal defense.  Valencia, after being wrestled to the ground, covered with a blanket, and handcuffed and taken to the hospital, was cooperative – having come down from her high.

She faces charges of “public intoxication, disorderly conduct and resisting arrest” and possibly public nudity, though that’s not mentioned in the article, and maybe in Fayetteville, that kind of thing is not frowned upon if you’re cute and 21 years old. The charges could have been boiled down to the officer’s original statement. She could have been charged with “tripping balls.”

Story and picture link: New York Daily News

Bud Light – Used as Self-Defense Aid in Armed Robbery - What Can’t it Do?

Bud Light, what can’t you do?  You take rice and hops and turn them into a brew that goes down smooth and doesn’t weigh down either your gut or pocket book.  Bud Light, you took Miller Light’s concept and have kicked its butt since the day you were invented.  You overtook your older brother, Budweiser, and showed it for what it was, a fake American rice imposter of a German beer.  Bud Light, you have been America’s most popular beer for decades and now you have a new distinction. Bud Light is strong in the self-defense market.

Don't bring a gun to a Bud Light fight

Open Carry means something new today.

KOCO reports that Lein Nguyen, of Oklahoma City, was working at a Best Stop Food Mart  when a woman came in and pulled a gun and demanded money.  No one is sure if she also demanded Huggies or funny-shaped balloons (pro-tip: round is not funny).

The woman, to make her point, started beating on Nguyen with her gun, drawing a bruise and drawing Nguyen into self-defense mode.

That’s when Bud Light, the national beer of the South (now owned by Belgians, but who cares) came in.  Say what you want about Natural (“Natty”) Light being the hipster cultural favorite or Lone Star’s dubious claims to Texas.  There’s Dos Equis’ claim to those who don’t drink beer often and consider themselves interesting.  Bud Light can make most anything interesting. It can make cars doing left turns for four hours interesting.  Bud Light is the beer of the South. And to Bud Light, Ms. Nguyen reached.  And started tossing. 

KOCO quotes: “The store clerk, as some sort of retaliation, took several cases of beer and threw them at the suspect.” And the suspect fled out the door, gun in hand.

Of course she did.  If you came to a Bud Light fight with only a gun, you’d flee all that red, white and blue glory, too. 

So, raise a frosty can of ‘Merica in tribute. Bud Light, you did it again.

Florida Evidence Dilemma: Biohazard due to Hiding Evidence in Sunshine State

Here’s a law school evidence class hypo  we didn’t get at UT, what do you do when the officer witnesses a certain sum of money in a suspect’s wallet, then, for matters discussed later, can’t or won’t verify the amount before trial?  Does the officer simply swear to the amount he saw in the wallet that wasn’t there later?  Does the defendant claim the money was gone or there was less?  Does it matter when a statute, like a drug statute, has graduated penalties for certain amounts of drugs sold? 

Tyrone Booker - nastily sticking it to the Man

Here’s the real world application of that hypo: According to First Coast News, Tyrone Booker was arrested in a drug sting in Jacksonville when an officer in the sting was struck by a car.  Booker was placed in the back seat of a police cruiser.  The officer observed “about $300 in the suspect’s wallet” but apparently didn’t take it away before putting Booker in the back seat.  The officer apparently then went to roust other suspects. The officers returned and the money – the fruits of the alleged drug dealing (aka the evidence) – was missing.  Officers searched the vehicle but the money wasn’t found.

The officers took Booker to jail.  Booker was booked and strip searched, and still no money.  At this point, no drugs, no money.  Booker is looking pretty good.  Then it got bad.  Nasty bad.

Officers looked at the video, because nowadays there’s always video in the cars.  In the cars facing out, COPS-style, and facing in on the back seat, §1983 Civil Rights lawsuit style.  The camera inside the cruiser showed Booker spitting on his fingers and then moving around in his pants a bunch of times.

Officers confronted Booker again and told him the next step – since they had already strip searched him (and strip searched, for those who aren’t privy to this, means they made him drop his pants and spread his cheeks) was to take him to the Emergency Room for an involuntary colon x-ray or CAT scan to see what and how far up his butt the money was. 

Let’s pause for a moment for the gravity of this situation.  Tyrone Booker had shoved the money so farup his butt that it was not visible from I’m assuming was a pretty involved strip search.  Tyrone, you’re nasty.

Tyrone then got the money out.  First Coast News does not report how he got it out and I’m not going to speculate.  First Coast News does report that “Due to the money being covered in biohazard, it was not counted and the JSO funds could not be verified.”

At some point, someone is going to have to count the money that Mr. Booker shoved so far up his butt that it was a medical issue.  And that person will undoubtedly decide that his job is not at all like that of those people on CSI Miami.  Those guys on CSI Miami are never counting money covered in crap from a low-level drug sting.  That job just sucks.  David Caruso does not have that job.  Someone has that job because at some point the officer can’t come into court and say that he saw “about $300” in the wallet. 

Tyrone Booker, you stuck it to the Man. In a small way, you did. You stuck it to yourself in the process, true.  And you’re nasty. But you stuck it to the Man.