Arizona Sisters Brawl with Officers at Walmart After Attempted Theft of Chicken Wings

A pair of sisters who should immediately move to Florida were arrested at a Flagstaff, Arizona Walmart after brawling with police.  The brawl was allegedly precipitated by employees at the Walmart recognizing them as suspects in a chicken wing theft from a local Albertson’s grocery store. 

Either the Arizona NCAA Riot or Flagstaff Walmart

That’s hard to believe, but the Arizona Daily Sun reported it.  It’s hard to believe that an APB on chicken-wing theft went out in Flagstaff, Arizona and that Walmart employees called it in and a brawl erupted. I’m going with a different hypothesis. I think the sisters were still pissed about the pitiful play of Kaleb Tarczewski of the Arizona Wildcats, who got rolled over by the Wisconsin Badgers in the tournament.  I mean, how are you seven feet tall and don’t get any rebounds.  Doesn’t make any sense.  Doesn’t make any sense that a kid who was ranked ninth in the country coming out of high school is so soft, or that Sean Miller has continued to play Tarczewski for two years. It makes about as much sense as a chicken-wing APB in Arizona.

Had this taken place in Florida, it would make total sense.  In Florida, they’d probably bring out the armored personal carrier that the Plantation police just bought.

No, these sisters were apparently auditioning for an extradition to Florida.  While one officer was questioning one sister about her earlier being banned from Walmart (how does that happen?, seriously, do you know who shops there, what do you have to do to get banned from Walmart?) the sister lunged at the officer and scratched his face.  The sister has some jiu jitsu skills, though, and managed to wiggle free once she was wrestled to the ground and preceded to repeatedly kick the male officer in the groin.  She then tried to grab his junk, so the officer hit her in the face.  Oh, if only Tarczewski showed so much heart in the struggle.  It would have been a different tournament.

At some point in this all-star melee, the younger sister, amidst the groin kicking, managed to grab her police-interview card and eat it.  Strong.  Her older sister first attacked the male officer, then used a three-year old as a human shield.

It all came to and end when the police threatened to taser the younger sister.  Seriously.  They didn’t utilize the taser prior to the groin-kicking, face punching, information-card eating, baby shielding melee.  After, AFTER that, they haul out the “don’t tase me bro” card.  Seems like it should have come out earlier.  Sort of like Tarczewski playing some D.  But, I’m still butt-hurt about the tournament and need to move on to the NBA playoffs, like these women need to move on to Target, or at least to Orlando.  Orlando would be a good choice.

The Fifth Amendment, it Weeps

We had a previous ongoing series, titled “Shortest CSI Episode Ever.”  The selfie craze has gone into the criminal world, now, and the criminal stupidity has now gotten out of hand.  The Fifth Amendment, it weeps.

 

Yep, that's a selfie surrounded by weed

As related earlier, the right against self-incrimination goes across common-law jurisdictions (England, Australia, the US).  It was important enough to get in the Bill of Rights.  It is so important that we have an entire body of law based on the Miranda case that goes into the warnings that police have to give to criminals when the arrest them, so they don’t get forced or tricked into incriminating themselves while in custody.  This is a basic and seminal protection needed in an adversarial system of justice where the power of the state is huge as against a single defendant.  A defendant should not be compelled to incriminate himself or herself.  A defendant has the right to not incriminate himself.  He has the right to counsel to advocate on his behalf, so that as an untrained amateur he doesn’t have to stand up to the power of a trained prosecutor and investigators.  We have rights, people. 

But, people, some of us don’t have ability.  Like these two hams – who the Fifth Amendment doesn’t technically apply to, because they live in England – but they have similar protections, just called something different. The Fifth Amendment still weeps at our idiotic brethren across the Pond.

As reported in the Daily Star, as fine as news organization as there is (be warned, some mildly, potentially NSFW photos in the side links, if your boss isn’t cool, but I’m my own boss now, so fark it, it’s all good), Nicholas Waine, 27, is not the sharpest tool in the shed.  He’s definitely a tool, though.  The Daily Star didn’t call him a tool. I just did.  I'm not particularly worried about libel because truth is an absolute defense and here's what the Daily Star reported he did: He took a selife holding two huge handfuls of marijuana, while surrounded by marijuana plants in his grow house.  Not shrewd.  Not shrewd at all.  When police raided the home where he was, they found Waine and two other guys, Jack Yarwood and Wayne Keron sitting around a large tub filled with cocaine.  They got the Waine’s phone and found the pictures of him holding the weed, smiling. 

Then there’s this woman from East Texas, where the Fifth Amendment literally does apply.  The Houston Chronicle reports that Evelyn Hamilton called police in Lufkin to complain about the quality of marijuana that was delivered by her dealer.  Seriously.  She called 911 to make something of a commercial quality complaint.  While that is nominally a civil case for breach of implied warranty of merchantability under the Uniform Commercial Code and not a criminal case anyway, and she would have been violating the rules of 911 by calling into report a civil matter, rather than a criminal emergency, police were happy to take her report, and bust her. 

Potentially reconsidering her 911 call

The Fifth Amendment weeps.  It weeps a slow death not only about the inability of citizens to utilize their rights to be free from self-incrimination, from taking selfies with drugs, and then to call 911 to report that they just bought drugs. It also weeps at the enshrined right to counsel.  Because, at its core, that’s a right to have a just and fair adversarial trial and to be able to stand up to the state. When you take a selfie with weed, or you call in your poor quality weed to 911, you have just thrown out your ability to stand up to the Man in an adversarial trial.  It’s not Shortest Episode of CSI Ever, it’s Shortest Episode of Law and Order Ever, because there’s no trial needed.  You’re done.

Less Devil Swine Among Us: Aggressive Mini-Pig Goes to Children’s School, Becomes Bacon

A hippie in England, who owned a semi-feral mini-boar as a pet, was shocked to learn that the boar is now bacon.  The Daily Mail Online reports that Rita Dell was given the black hog, which is not all that mini, frankly, as shown in the picture laying by her, by her parents.  She kept it at home until it apparently got lonely at home.  Though, there is nothing explaining what that meant.  There is no explanation of whether the hog, named Marmite – which incidentally is the name for a food spread, which is what he is now, or at least part of him is now – was doing to show that he was lonely.  Was he tearing up the house, peeing indoors, attacking people or other animals?  All these are behavior associated with lonely animals.  And, seriously, hogs are not domestic animals. They are livestock, or they are beer-stealing, drunk, wrecking machines. 

Marmite: Potential wrecking machine

Either way, Ms. Dell took Marmite to a local school that had a few other pigs, so he could hang out with them.  She apparently visited him a few times a week, or at least drove by, and then he wasn’t there anymore.  He was bacon.

The School says that Marmite got aggressive.  He bit a staff member and tried to bite a kid.  They tried to get Ms. Dell to pick Marmite up.  They tried to give him away.  No farmer would take him.  The slaughter house would.  They couldn’t just let him out, because then he’d be a feral hog and liable to get into people’s beer and go on a rampage, since he was already showing himself to be aggressive.  Get some Pabst Blue Ribbon in him and he was gonna go all Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet.

So they made Marmite into non-vegetarian Marmite. 

Ms. Dell was pissed, as could be expected if you sent your pet to hang out at a children’s school, and you’re a vegetarian (like she reportedly is) and your pet becomes food for someone else. The School wasn’t having it: 

Headteacher Mike Fairclough said: 'After a few weeks the new pig became extremely aggressive and attacked our two other pigs. It also bit the site manager and tried to bite a child.

'We contacted our vet and were advised to remove the pig from our site for the health and safety of the children and the other animals.

'The previous owners were contacted by the school to notify them of this development, but at no point did they offer to have it back or to help rehouse it.

Marmite, looking cute, deceiving

So, there’s a dispute.  There’s also one less aggressive mini-pig that was attacking little kids.  I can see both sides.  I feel Ms. Dell’s pain.  If she really liked her pig and it was lonely, she should have gotten a second pig, not pawned it off on a grade school, though. Once it’s their problem, if they can’t reach you, it’s their solution.  And their solution was to make Marmite into bacon-flavored marmite.