Dear readers of this once-thriving blog, I have been absent
for a long while. I have been writing
and editing my second novel, Ghosts of the Mid-Country, which comes out in May. Read it, for real, when it comes out.
I have been remiss in not notifying you of the various scourges that
wage war on our beloved lands. The
clowns have come and gone – thank God – now that the remake of IT is out of the
theaters and into the that deep recess of our collective terror. Florida does what Florida does and becomes
ever more Florida by the passing day – too many Florida things to recount.
But, the one scourge that will not go away is back on the loose. It has been hiding in the deep woods, looking
for tasty pecans, and for tastier beer.
Not content to let us keep the delicious nectar of the gods for
ourselves. That’s right, the drunken
feral hogs are back!! And they are
growing.
CCTV footage in Hong Kong has spotted a giant feral hog who
is tall enough to get into dumpsters on its own.
They call it Pig-zilla.
It’s farking huge. Distant cousin of its fallen brethren Hogzilla from Georgia who was taken out before his time. We thought
he was just some relic of the deep woods. And we knew the scourge of the Fukushima
Diachi power plant disaster in Japan. And we know what happens when radioactivity
hits an otherwise ornery creature. It creates hogzillas for real. One year ago, it was reported that hundreds of radioactive wild boars had taken over two Japanese towns.
They were not content with those two towns, though. They have taken over damn near the whole of
northern Japan, where the population is older, and was not close enough to the power
plant to get their own radiation to fight off the hogs, hulk-style. Just this last week, the South China Morning Post reported the scourge has moved North in force. They
noted that in southern Japan, “The
papers are full of reports of boars in train stations and parking garages,
around school dormitories and even in the sea, swimming out to islands.”
They are now in areas that
were believed “too cold and snowy for them.”’
They apparently didn’t understand the power of radiation and beer. Radiation
that makes a man’s pants turn purple and rips his shoes off every time he gets
mad.
They could try to shoot them, but they’re not in rural Georgia
where residents are armed to the teeth for the second invasion of the
Yankees. The Japanese have to get a
permit to get a gun and shoot a hog, which seems like bullshit. So no, they can’t be shot, and they can’t be reasoned
with when they charge busses like this:
They can’t be reasoned with when they go looking for beer in dumpsters, like this one in Hong Kong.
God help us if they get drunk, get mad, and show up in
purple pants.
